So woohoo, I’ve done it, the two main interviews (Part 1 and Part 2), and as big as that if not bigger, the release of footage of body memories from my first two (of three) MDMA treatments… have been released!
Before doing so so much fear and anxiety was stirred, now this was for several reasons including:
* literal threats once made against my life and that of my family.
* the traumatic pattern of being disbelieved / ridiculed / punished for speaking out.
* the vulnerability of sharing my story of abuse, exacerbated by the unbelievable elements.
* the fear of being deemed mentally unwell and being recalled into the mental health system.
What I did receive after publishing each of these videos was an outpouring of support and well wishes from various friends I have around the world.
There is an emptiness within victims, an emptiness borne of the traumatic event, and not just borne from the lack of protection that allowed such abuse to occur in the first place, but the lack of the subsequent outrage and heartbreak of being believed and retroactively protected and healed by ones tribe/community/society…
As much as we as survivors need understanding, presence, grace, belief, love, time and energy from those around us in order to help us heal and make sense of such horrific abuse… So we also need the genuine reaction of our tribe, ANGER is needed, outrage, GRIEF… the lack of these heartfelt responses leaves a vacuum in the victim, the echoes of not being seen and believed that so many of us (not all) face as the reaction from many as a result of our disclosures back then or even now as adults…
Publishing the footage in the third video felt particularly vulnerable, in editing the footage I watched the three hour video at least three times through in the various editing cycles that were needed, in doing so I am as convinced that I have ever been that such abuse did occur… its so visceral, so explicit.. many people who watch it cant wrap their head around the wisdom of the body and how it can play trauma out in such a way, they just side-line it as some kind of delusion as opposed to the replay and release of incredible trauma and energies associated with…
So publish it I did… not many people have watched it but that’s OK, I understand its an ordeal to get through, and that its not exactly easy viewing. But what I was left with after the publishing was a very particular feeling of being small, and of needing reassurance and encouragement..
I have done much work on self parenting and self soothing, I even tried distracting myself but nothing was working to escape or address this horrible feeling I had… so in the end I ended up reaching out to some ‘brothers’, describing what was happening and asking for support and encouragement.
Now as I hope a positive reflection of who I am these days 🙂 , I have amazing people around me in my life, people who truly love and support me… and so the love and support flowed in, comments were made on my bravery, my courage, sadness was expressed for what I once went through and so on…
And so that hole within myself filled up, so I felt better, so I found myself again.
And then the next day… even more love and support flowed in from ‘sisters’ of mine, such beautiful and unprompted praise and encouragement that filled me up all the more..
It can be so vulnerable to ask for what we so desperately need, especially in a moment of being triggered. I hope this post shows… that IF we’ve done the work to have good people around us, IF we’ve done some work to heal and are thus ABLE to reach out, well then that sometimes, just sometimes the need gets met, and we are healed through relationship with others, just that little bit more.
Thankyou for reading, all my love, Daniel