So it’s been a journey this process of forgiveness, not easy. But it feels worthwhile… prompted initially among other things; therapy and a spirituality group where I learned that according to God, it is a sin to not forgive. While I’m not a strict Christian I feel drawn to aspects of its faith, and this edict has whispered wisdom and forgiveness has resonated as a theme I need to pursue to reconcile and move my life forward.
The process has included re-exploring old memories and relationships, and asking for help from God/Goddess to forgive, that it is too big a task for me on my own and that I need help from something far greater than myself to grant me grace and aid.
Likewise as old pain has stirred, I’ve asked for help and guidance from God, it has felt excruciating at times in the last weeks, literally spiralling and twisting and turning during meditations as old pain again wakens.
And as the risk is with forgiveness, boundaries softened for awhile, as I allowed myself some email contact with my core abuser. He who emails me fairly regularly. One of the things that have stood out – is how much self doubt has been stirred and felt as a result of contact, self doubt on every level, including abuse that I remember in normal memory. Along with this is the general (sickly) feeling of his energy and the dissonance of his absolute position that the remembered and relived abuse is all delusion. I’ve made the decision (and actioned) to cut contact completely, and to warn of involvement from the police if he continues to message me.
While the correspondence was unsettling, it felt important in this journey of forgiveness, to listen to him, to question myself anew (as if that ever really stops) and to get a sense check to see what it is like. Once again I find myself where the best thing I can do for myself is; to cut contact completely.
And I will continue to work on forgiveness. I do feel it soften me in ways, and I recognise now how the old pain, especially of her death, especially of the violation, drove me down a path of vengeance seeking and ultimately ‘trouble’ including my progressive decent into psychosis, my ‘breakdown’ and subsequent encounter with the law and mental health services.
It feels good to finally be coming out the other side, a bit older and wiser, and feeling the softness of my heart and even in moments love for those who hurt me, while maintaining strict boundaries of self protection and distance.
I will continue to pray for them, and continue to deepen into forgiveness as I am able.
And now? To work on upcoming projects that I’ll reveal in the next month or two. Thankyou for reading, thankyou to those supporting me through it all, and much love.