I’m currently processing/editing/viewing the two videos from my two part interview about surviving CSA and SRA.
(Part 1 is about my background, history, and the recovery of my memories – my story of abuse. Part 2 is about my descent into psychosis, my eventual arrest by the police and imprisonment and subsequent transfer to a mental hospital, my journey with forgiveness and my release into the community).
A LOT of fear is coming up, all the old fears of death… imprisonment, being raped, being punished, being disbelieved, being made out to be crazy etc… are there.
But now the biggest fear is that the system locks me up again. That they use my story against me and say its proof I am once again delusional… I’ve talked it over with the community team tasked with watching over me in the community, and they seem to be OK (but they haven’t seen the interview yet).
And I must admit, that my story is in particular unbelievable, that aspects of it, which are just so OUT THERE, especially that surrounding the girls death, that MUST be delusion, that must be psychosis? Something I’m certainly open to, but it’s also something I relived again and again so viscerally so intensely, that by God it has felt SO real. So many have made me out to be wrong, or crazy for my story, and I’ve lost everything and had to rebuild from that as a result of standing by my story…
Regardless
I know its what I need to do, to release my testimony and story once again, I keep getting the feeling it’s the right thing to do.
It’s just bringing up a lot of fear
I’ll publish the two part interview over the weekend, that I’m committed to.
It’s just not easy. There’s been tears and shakes.
One of the things that drive me forward, is my principle of leading by example, IF I hope to interview other survivors to share their stories with the world…. How can I ask that of them if I’m not brave enough to do it myself?
One thing that I realise… is that there is a power in sharing my process, even in sharing this.
One thing I realise is that I am deeply committed to this path of trying to make some kind of difference around this hideous source of trauma.
One thing I realise is that my life is a lie if I don’t step up and plant my flag in the ground…
I have a lot of support actually, a lot of love coming in from friends around the world, so thankyou to all of you who believe in and/or support me.
I’m watching the interview one last time, and then publishing it this weekend, no matter what I feel, that I’ve decided upon.
Daniel