Something snapped today in me… snapped in a good way.

I’d learnt about this before, heard it said a thousand times, read books, even practised it, especially in a therapeutic /group setting to positive effect… the challenge has always been when I’m on my own, in the lonely hours, that’s where the real work is, aka the REAL challenge.

Really it’s too much to ask of anyone else… to soothe and reassure and defend and love me to the full extent that I need. This IS my task, to increasingly parent and love myself, only I have the capacity and the time to do this… yes we need others to say, express and reflect essential things back to us:

You’re loved
I’ll protect you
I believe you


And those words act as a soothing balm, and as a reminder, a focal point, a journal entry within our being, a message to our self that helps – when we are unable to say it to our self, in the hour of need.

Still too closely identified with the pained voice I have been, still too closely identified with the flashes within my minds eye… harder to separate from them, not so close that I’m at risk of hurting myself to be clear, distance and perspective HAS been won over the years, but that final bastion, that of self parenting in the quiet hours is a ‘nut’ that I had as of yet failed to ‘crack.’



Seeing the pain echoes as that of a child, a wounded child, a violated child, of the boy within me, the voice and the feelings, rejected and buried because they were too difficult to bear, too difficult even as an adult.

Sometimes the pain manifests as; “Oh my god oh my god, I deserve to die. I deserve to die, I deserve to die” a panicked weeping beneath the surface.

So today I strongly, firmly, lovingly asserted my self in reaction to them…

No, you don’t deserve to die
its not your fault
you’re a good kid
a good man
you never deserved this
you deserve to LIVE

Some times I get images of me being hung by the neck, gently swinging in the breeze from a lonely tree in the wilds, a terribly sad scene of finality.

With flashes/images/visions like this it’s less the ‘strong talk’ that is needed, and more compassion, imagining a boy, the boy that I once was, what must have happened that would make him feel so bad, that this is the only escape that he can see…

I’m so sorry you feel this way
You don’t deserve to die
You deserve to LIVE
what must they have done to you to make you feel this way
I’m so sorry you’re hurting
But I’ll never let that happen to you, I won’t let you be harmed

We’re going to make it through this
things will get better, I PROMISE

On occasion I burst out Tourette’s like; “nobody knows, nobody cares, nobody knows, nobody cares, nobody knows, nobody cares” a terrible loneliness and hopeless that threatens to overwhelm me.

Which now I WILL reply to with a combination of strength, direction AND compassion…

People know now
they believe you now
you’re safe
plenty now care
remember this – THEY CARE
no not your family, they don’t care – you’re right
but also your wrong, lots of people now care
because you had the courage to speak out
you’re a hero, and I’m proud of you


We all have the good parent present within us, the (relatively healed and centred adult us)… the more work we do to heal, the stronger the good parent gets… My ‘healed’ self I refer to as “Daniel.” We often also have other smaller parts, broken parts, screaming for attention one way or another, often a great discomfort, and at great inconvenience, such unresolved pain can make life unbearable…

To become, to anchor upon, the root of our being, to be that true parent, that friend, that guide, that mentor that we so desperately needed so long ago…. to make the best decisions it is possible to make within our current situation, to keep us from harm, to keep us safe and at home within our self….

Something snapped, and it’s been coming for a while, a lifetime you could say, I will advocate for and sooth and show compassion to myself… not just when in workshops or therapy sessions, not just when under fire and defending myself in the real world… but most importantly in the quiet moments in which I’m truly alone, I couldn’t force it.… this snap, and maybe it could have been better trained into being… regardless I feel it, the new awareness, something clicking into place. And so finally, I can be there for myself that next little step towards wholeness.

I remember I was lost in the pain emanating from me, and I thought to myself, what if this is the pain of an abused and abandoned young boy…

For those of you supporting, loving, praising and believing in me, including the two most recent… I want you to know you’ve had your part to play, in this snap, in this next step of healing for me, so THANK YOU for being so kind and supportive, my eyes get misty thinking of it, and I’ll try to honour myself better as a result of your kindness and support.

Daniel